You Were a Sucky “Friend”

You’re not a good person. On the outside you seem like you are. But once that candy coating dissolved, you turned sour. I had been biting my tongue for a while. From you getting blackout drunk and ruining parties, to you embarrassing me at my engagement dinner, to you ditching me for several different guys. The last one is something I should have expected and anticipated. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I had already lost too much. And it was only a matter of time that all of the things I have kept my mouth shut about started to build up to the point where I exploded. 

You made plans to go to a show with me. And hung out with your new idiot until 6 am the night prior then went to work on an hour of sleep. So by the time I saw you, you were already yawning and the only thing you could really keep saying was how hungry you were. Not only were you terrible company, you also were being a bitch. You yelled at the people next to us for bumping you. You’re at a concert. You are going to get bumped into, get the fuck over it. And if you don’t like it, don’t go to shows. At any rate, I offered to take your place, and you refused because you wanted to “stand your ground”… wtf? What point were you trying to prove? That was embarrassing and immature.  You claimed to like these bands yet you knew only one song by one band. One. Fucking. Song. So you stood there the entire night yawning, looking miserable and wanting to leave early so you could stud your fucking fat pie-hole. You’re a blast to hang out with. 
And what’s with the constant bitchiness and eye rolls IN FRONT of people. Jesus Christ. You need to work on your facial expressions. I mean I always told you that when I first met you, I thought you were a bitch. But you really ARE just a bitch. You have no empathy towards how you make other people feel when they’re near you. Zero. 

“I refuse to be talked to like that”… HAHAHA. WHAT makes you think you’re better than the next person? NEWS FLASH: YOU’RE NOT!  All you care about is being a skinny-fat bitch, being “successful” and having a large shoe collection. Sounds a little shallow and superficial to me. Just so you know. You can lose all the weight you want, but that won’t change your attention-whore self-absorbed type of personality. Success isn’t only determined by your rank in your career. It’s also determined by your relationships and friendships. And you, my (ex)friend, have a poor track record. 

You play victim in every situation. Even when it’s NOT about you. It’s pathetic. And you’re an attention whore. It’s sad really. YOU create your own drama. You and only you. Our ENTIRE “friendship” was based on drama. And I fed into it. I never used to do that. Before out falling out, I had been wondering why I had become like that. Why did I allow myself to be bitched to about your issues and the many men you had drama-filled relationships with? I started to do that same. I “vented” all of the things that bothered me to you… about my fiancé, my family, my other friend, my job. That’s what our entire friendship became. One endless bitchfest. My social life has significantly improved since I cut the cord. At first I was. Apologetic for the things I said. But now I’m not. Not even a little. So you need to get over yourself and find a hobby instead of bringing down all of the people you speak to. You suck. 

My mind set has improved sooo much since I stopped feeling the need to be a bitchy person like you. So with that, I thank you. 

Good luck and Godspeed.  

Makeup Subscriptions: ipsy and Birchbox

I think it’s safe to say most girls like to feel pretty. Many of us ladies like to put makeup on to either enhance our features or cover up our “flaws” but some of don’t. Some of us cannot leave the house without putting at least a little bit of makeup on and some of us couldn’t care any less.

I, sometimes regrettably, am one of those women who needs makeup to feel pretty. Not only to hide my dark circles under my eyes but to also make me feel more confident and pretty. I wear it for myself and no once else.

Whether it’s concealer, lip gloss or eyeshadow, I love it all. I can’t get enough of it. I can’t even walk into a store without looking at the makeup, even if what I am going to the store for is at the opposite end, I will somehow justifiably make my way to the makeup isles and gaze at it in all it’s glory like a kid in a candy store. But I don’t buy things EVERY time I look at them. This is mainly because I have monthly subscriptions to feed that need.

I have been subscribed to a couple of beauty subscriptions for about four years now; Birchbox and Ipsy. If you are unfamiliar with these companies, you should check them out. They are both beauty subscriptions that are $10 a month. Birchbox will send you approximately five samples every month. You can also review the samples you receive to earn points. The points can be redeemed on towards any purchase you make on Birchbox’s website. You can also earn bonus points w/ certain purchases and for referals. Ipsy will send you 4-5 deluxe samples (sometimes full sized items) every month with a super cute makeup bag. Ipsy also allows you to review the items you received to earn point towards select products. They also have a referral program where you can earn beauty products for your referrals. I’ll include the link below for these services.

 

Check out my Instagram to see some items I have received from ipsy and Birchbox… https://www.instagram.com/amysbeesknees/

 

Referral Links:

http://birch.ly/17NPP7G

http://www.ipsy.com/?refer=u-hj789f3f9s4o238l

An Open Letter to My Mother’s Son.

On sensitivity; AKA Just because they’re blood doesn’t make them family…

 

Well, ignorance (among other thing) makes ME uncomfortable.

My Mother’s son (I guess you could call him my brother), is a prime example of this “behavior”. And we shall call his personality/attitude “behavior” because that it how he refers to me and how I act and respond to my surroundings.

What makes YOU right? What makes YOUR principles any better than mine? WHO said that the people in your life have to live up to what YOU believe in? And if we don’t, you have an issue and find the NEED to address it. If you don’t like something, you yell and scream at whoever you please wherever you please. That isn’t “honesty” as you like to call it. That is called being an asshole. Why do you have the need to consistently be correct in every aspect of your life? Even with people who aren’t in your day-to-day life. There is an apparent need and desire for control. You want to control other people with the way they “behave”, with how they think, and with what they should and shouldn’t be doing.

Aren’t you the one who scorned me when I hushed my mother for screaming at a hostess in a restaurant? For some unknown reason you saw THAT portrayal of “behavior” as fit and completely warranted, which it was not. You had an issue with me having an issue with someone berating a restaurant employee, right? So what you’re saying is that it’s okay to scream at a stranger over a wait time in a restaurant but it’s not okay to “hush” the person being boisterous. That makes a whole lot of sense (eye roll). So, what exactly gives you any right to hush me if this quote “hushing” is an issue? That is called being a hypocrite. Do as I say, not as I do right? No. GFY.

But, if that is how you would like to live your life, go for it. You are not an important part of my daily life. You barely know me. I am doing just fine without your input on the kind of person YOU think I need to be. Your wife, however, needs a wakeup call. But hey, if she likes being controlled and like being verbally abused, to each one their own right? Who am I to judge? No one.

And that’s half of the point. I am no one. I am merely a spec on this planet taking up a tiny amount of oxygen and space. I am not God. I am not a Queen. I am not a lawmaker. I am not always correct. I’m over it. I am human. I admit when I am wrong and I accept it. And this is how I choose to live my life. If you have an issue with me, my behavior or my personality, then the issue lies within you. You are unaccepting to let things be what they are.

DO NOT tell me I need to change. I am NOT the problem. You are not a God. You are not a King. You are not a lawmaker. You are not always correct. So get over it. You are human. Just like me. So please, tell me, WHO are YOU to be telling ANYONE how to be or how to live their life? You are no one.

How I act and respond to my surroundings is not your business to make judgement on, nor should you be even commenting on it. What makes YOU right? What makes YOUR “principles” any better than mine (or anyone else’s for that matter)? WHO said that the people in your life have to live up to what YOU believe in? If they don’t then in your mind, they are wrong and will be dismissed. If you have some sort of quall with someone you for some unknown reason HAVE to address it. No one cares if you like or don’t like something. NEWS FLASH: we aren’t living to please YOU! (WAIT, WHAT?! WE’RE NOT?! *GASP*)

Not everyone has the same personality or mindset as you do. Not everyone has the same beliefs and principles as you. And that’s okay. I had accepted that over the years. And I still do. It’s fine to have “principles” and to live YOUR OWN life the way you see fit. However, it is not okay is when you go out of your way to purposely say and do hurtful things to others. When no one speaks directly to you or does anything directly to you, you have ZERO right to tell them they need to live up to YOUR principles. NONE. ZIP.

I am okay being overly emotional. I am okay with being sensitive. I’ve accepted my anxiety. I don’t need your opinion, judgment or preaching of principles on what is right or wrong with me. If you have an issue, then you need to address that with yourself, not me. I do not need to change or stop being a sensitive person to please you. I know it’s not in your nature to give a shit about anyone but yourself but it is I my nature to be a caring person.

At first, yes, I was extremely upset at YOUR “behavior” because I’m so fucking emotional (I know, wahhh wahhh wahhh). I lost sleep. I couldn’t eat. Hell, I had to leave work because I had so much anxiety and couldn’t stop crying. Then I saw the light (cue the angelic choir)… WHY should you have that kind of power over me? You SHOULDN’T. You are nothing more than my brother by blood. That is it. I DO NOT NEED your approval. I DO NOT WANT your approval. I DO NOT NEED to live up to YOUR standards. I DO NOT WANT to live up to YOUR standards. YOUR beliefs are not my own. YOUR principles are not my own. If you have the need to control every aspect of your life and the people in it, and if they’re okay with it, then do it. But leave me out of it. I WILL NOT be controlled by you. I WILL NOT change for you. I do not NEED to change for anyone. If you cannot accept me for who I am, that is okay and it is not MY problem.

I have accepted you for who you are our entire lives, as has the rest of the family. Even though you have consistently been extremely rude, arrogant, controlling, abusive, uncompassionate and violently angry multiple times to everyone. So next time you want to call someone else negative, or tell them they are too emotional, or simply just make fun of them or make them feel like shit because they don’t meet YOUR “requirements” as to who they should be and how they should act, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself where the problem really lies.

I have never once told you how to live your life. Do I agree that it’s okay to be rude, arrogant, controlling, abusive, uncompassionate, violently angry, etc.? No, I don’t. And guess what? I don’t tell you how to behave! I don’t tell ANYONE how to behave. I don’t give a flying fuck. You are not in my everyday life. It no longer had affected me, until now. You don’t care how I think or how I feel that YOU should “behave”. So tell me, why should I care about how YOU think I need to behave? And if I told you how you should be behaving, would you comply or even consider my advise for change? No, not even a little. Would you even listen? Again, no, not even a little. But I wouldn’t tell you to begin with. It’s not my business. We are adults, grow up and stop telling others how they should behave like they are child. Your opinion of me means absolutely nothing. I have more important things going on in my life than listening to you whine about how you don’t like sensitive people. Get over it. And get over yourself. You are no one important.

I do not need these things you call “principles” pushed onto me when I didn’t ask or even hint that they I wanted your help. You clearly are not okay with yourself if you feel the need to continually be an asshole and justify it with being “honest”. You’re not being honest. Honesty is a fact, honesty is a truth. What you spew are the opinions of how YOU view the world and how it should be.

My existence isn’t solely based on being who YOU or ANYONE else wants me to be. I do NOT need to tiptoe around you and watch what I say or do to appease YOU. I am done being quiet. I am done biting my tongue. Why should I be or stay “hushed”? I shouldn’t.

No one stands up to you because they are afraid of you. We’ve all seen how angry, violent and irrational you can get at the slightest thing that inconveniences or irritates you. We have all seen you become mildly annoyed and have that “overly emotional” behavior erupt into a chaotic tornado of destruction. I have witnessed it first-hand. I have been put in the middle of many arguments. I have been notified by your wife when you behave in displeasing and abusing manners. I will not be dragged down to your level.

I would also like to open the door here for you to explain and justify why yelling at me and embarrassing me and my family in a public situation. FYI, that isn’t “honesty” as you like to call it. That is what is commonly referred to as being an asshole. For your convenience, I have included the definitions of “honesty” and “asshole” at the bottom of this blog post for a word comparison. You’re welcome.

So for once, here’s a suggestion from me to you… You might want to adjust the way you pick up on social cues. And maybe, MAYBE, try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes before you start opening your mouth. Although my expectations are extremely low for you. There is no grey area with you and that is unfortunate. It’s your way or the highway. I’m not in need of altering my lifestyle to fit your needs. I appreciate your concern. Ha. Just kidding. I don’t.

You’re uncomfortable with human emotion, and that isn’t my issue to address or fix. Learn some acceptance. Until then, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. ( I won’t be holding my breath

 

Post Script to the readers:

So what I’ve gathered over the course of a few years is that there are some people in this world who deem it not “okay” to be sensitive. That’s because being sensitive makes other people extremely uncomfortable. They don’t know how to respond to it. Because they don’t know how to react to it, they dismiss you; they blame you and say you’re the one that needs to change as if YOU are the problem. But you’re not. YOU are not the problem. So don’t even think for a second that you’re the issue. Feel all the feels, let them in and out, and don’t give a flying fuck if it makes someone else uneasy.

 

DEFINITIONS

Honesty

[on-uh- stee]

Noun

1. The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness

 

Asshole

[as-hohl]

Noun

1. Anus

2. A stupid, mean, or contemptible person

I Am A Mess: Here For Your Entertainment 

This is how my morning is going:

Story 1: You know you’re tired when you try and scan your office badge to operate the evelvator. Once you figure out how to get to the floor that your office resides on and the elevator door opens, you look around to make sure your on the right floor. (And, in my defense, it was pitch black. The lights are sensored and had not been triggered to come on). The doors opened. I hesitated. I almost felt like I was ins horror movie. I continued to pause as the doors almost shut. I walked out of the evelavator a few steps, but not too far so if something were to try an attack me or if I saw the creepy twins from The Shining, I could run back inside the elevator. I thought, “There’s no one here. What day is it?”. Then I realized and thought to myself, “You’re here early you idiot.”…
Story 2: You know you’re tired when you clumsily pull up your underpants and somehow manage to pierce the fabric with your thumbnail. You now have a large hole in the butt-crack area of your under garments. Nice. 

It wasn’t even 9:00 a.m. yet… WHERE IS MY LIFE COACH?! I need an adult. 

Welcome to my life. 

Note to self: green smoothies are bad in the morning, coffee if better. 

Learning to Live: A Collection of Unrelated Events and Thoughts

So. I decided to write a bunch of shit on my iPhone. Has anyone ever written a book using a phone before? Lol. Jk. This isn’t a book. But here are some thoughts that I was keeping to myself…

Throughout my entire life, I’ve always had the praise of those around me for my writing skills. I excelled at spelling. I was in the top of my class in my English classes. I was the number one student in my college courses. To this day, I receive the same praise. My manager recently told me she liked the way I wrote and that I explain things very well. That’s the thing, I wrote to explain things. I didn’t write to vent. I didn’t write to tell a story. I wrote to be analytical, factual and descriptive of things that have already been written, just using my own words. And that’s it. I can’t stand lack of punctuation and capitalisation. My favorite example and there being big difference between “I help my Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “I helped my Uncle jack off a horse”. And just because I enjoy writing and can put a sentence together doesn’t mean I’m perfect at it. At all. So don’t judge. Kthnxbye.
After my almost two-year bout of depression, I woke up one morning feeling more refreshed than I ever had. I didn’t do anything differently. I didn’t get more sleep than usual. But this morning was different. I literally thought in my “I’m happy, I’m actually happy.”. I messaged my boyfriend to tell him, he ignored it. Not on purpose. There was more than one topic being discussed so he chose to acknowledge one over the other. Ugh. Men.
I assume things too much. I jump to conclusions and I overthink things. I think the worst. I read into things. I try to find meaning in everything. I’ll bring up something that happened days ago, weeks ago and even months ago because I can’t stop randomly thinking about it. Or I didn’t get to question it wen I occurred for whatever reason. Maybe it wasn’t a good time. Maybe the subject was changed. Whatever the case, it didn’t bother me at that moment.

Music has always helped me pinpoint certain times in my life that don’t matter. Like the first time I remember hearing Kokomo by the beach boys. I was in the backyard of (one of) my childhood home(s). The radio was in the kitchen window, facing outward. From what I remember, I almost instantly memorized the lyrics. I was so excited to sing this song for my preschool’s Show and Tell that week. The day came, and a girl that got to go ahead of me, sang that song. I was crushed.
I like animals more than people. I hate crowds. I get a sensory overload being in situations I can’t control. I like to think of myself as an outgoing introvert. Because I’m not just an introvert. I like to get my party on, like a lot of other people. But people are draining. People are annoying. People are completely irritating and a lot of things about people make me cringe and not want to every interact with another human so long as I live (thank god for online ordering!). Luckily, my boyfriend is, for the most part, very understanding when I spaz and immediately feel the need to flee a store (for example). I get hot, anxious, frustrated, I lose all sense of myself and freeze up and I fumble… I can’t think of words, I’ve forgotten where I am… it’s awful. Thankfully on those days when I normally would have to speak to a human when ordering a simple coffee, my boyfriend will order for me. On days that I’m really anxious and can’t “people” I usually whisper my order to him or whisper what I want to say to someone to him and he will tell the other person. Sometimes my whispers get confused and he thinks he should say something I have whispered when he really shouldn’t, lol. I like staying home with my cat too. Or my boyfriends dogs. I find more solace in their silence than I do most people or social situations. So I hate peopling, if that’s a word. If not, it is now.

There are very few things about myself I know to be completely and utterly true. I hate when the shower curtain touches me while I’m bathing. I love coffee when it’s super hot and burns my mouth. I can’t stand the way asparagus smells like dirty feet, so I won’t eat it. I hate obligations. I don’t like being wet. I hate when the cup holding a cold beverage on a hot day gets “sweaty” and drips all over. I like animals, spefically cats (probably because they are assholes). When I love, I love with my entire being, even if it seems like you annoy the shit out of me most of the time *coughJEREMYcough*.

I’ve spent a lot of my life hating life. Loathing life. Having, what seemed to me, a natural disdain for everything. Everything irritated me. Everything annoyed me. I would get mad at so many things and was just so damn angry all the time. I still am. And the reasoning is… humans. I HATE people. They are annoying, irritating, touchy and repulsive. It’s a misanthropic life for me!

The first feelings of home that I’ve ever had were not actually at home. I love my home, with my grandparents. That house, will always be my home. It’s the only stable environment I’ve ever known. They’ve always loved me no matter what. Throughout the colored hair, piercings, tattoos, girlfriends and boyfriends… they never once judged me. Or, if they did, it was a silent judgement and they loved me nonetheless. My grandparents are cute. They put the term, “bicker like an old married couple”, to shame. They are wonderful, selfless people. They may not show a lot of emotion, in fact, I’ve only seen my grandmother cry once. When I told her I felt like a burden after my mother moved in with her boyfriend and me and my brother stayed with my grandparents. But that’s a story for another day. So back to it. Recently I had that feeling of home again. It was the beginning of January and it was snowing out. Big, fluffy, white flakes. As I drove 40 mph down union st on the way home, the flakes whizzed past my car windows. As I approached the street lights, the flames seemed to slow down, it was as if my life, that moment, going 40 mph was slowed down. It was snowing in slow motion. And the snowflakes were dancing. For lack of a better word, it was beautiful. So beautiful that, as a person that HATES (er loathes), getting wet. I hate condensation on cold beverages on a hot day, I hate swimming, I even dread showering and washing my face because I hate being wet. I hate drippy water.

I’ve learned to live my life in such a way that I actually enjoy being alone. I like spending my time crocheting, re-watching the same sitcoms over and over.  I like doing nothing. I enjoy it so much that when I see others who have full schedules, going to work and school and raising families, that I constantly feel like something is wrong with me. Thoughts dance in my head about what could be if I just got a little motivation to do more things. But it’s difficult. Because that’s not who I am.